I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
