so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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