There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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