first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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