Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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