Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
