When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
