If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
