can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
