Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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