I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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