I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
