he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
