Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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