I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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