you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
