The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
