They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
