You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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