So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
