I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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