did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
