do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
