my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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