theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
