I think my vagina is haunted
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
