my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
