he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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