Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think i have herpe
just one?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
