I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
