Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
