Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
