We named our party play list daddy issues
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drake has all the answers
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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