Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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