You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
