just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
