She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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