This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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