finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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