You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
