1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
