I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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