Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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