Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
