When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
