i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
