If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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