it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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