Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
NoShamevember. You game?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
