I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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